"you'll have a new life, new school... you'll be in a new country... i still keep on thinking that you'll be better over here."
I smile.

i have no idea what i want. i'm still as aimless as i was before, clueless, have absolutely no inspiration for anything of any sort.

change of account:
paraphases 


i don't know why.
i don't know what's worth anymore.

"I don't believe in best friends."
"I know what you mean."
 

love, vii

ps. cousin, can you get an account?

'he liked things blackened and changed."

( come find the ledgendary clover in this clover field with me )

and we'll know there's never such a thing as a four-leaf clover
so that's how hope and luck is
non-existent

it doesn't matter if i try, i try so hard to smile. it doesn't matter if i go around finding things that will cheer me up. it all doesn't matter.

i tried. it doesn't work.

and yeah, hiatus. cause i'm a mess. and since depression is selfishness (no i agree) and also because 'two people's time shouldn't be wasted on what one person can do.'

the constant animosity is paining
i'm still hoping
yup, it's killing

everyone's obligation is themselves
because we're all responsible for ourselves.

i'll keep to that.

i swear. i won't hate.

six candles by FM Static is nice. ohwells.

though,
hope is frail but hard to kill
or is it meant to die or kill.

i don't know why i'm forever so foolish.

dear Lord, give me what i've been praying for. for things to be alright and for strength to carry on. so that i can do something for you.
there has to be something right? since i'm constantly being deterred.

the 'title' of my journal still stands.

i'm tired. i have a lot more to say. i give up.

i don't even know why i'm taking Os.

no it's not your fault, i've always been tired for the past few weeks.

seriously, i don't know why i'm taking Os.

they shouldn't have given me the option of quitting. i let myself quit too much this year.

i'd say 'help' but i don't see the point.

my dog can die from eating all the rubbish he's trying to eat.

i'm probably going to go back to my obsession later. yes, i call it an obsession.

ciao.


small thing build up to big thing, and they'll crumble.

you know what? it doesn't matter. at the end, i'm not going to let myself talk myself out of it. i'm going to be cold, i'm going to ignore, i'm going to be selfish.

don't blame yourself. i've wanted to do this for the longest time.

i'll just wait a bit longer.

-
edit/-
it doesn't matter that's what i'll keep on telling myself.

i'm still fighting with myself. how fun. but don't worry, if i do it, it won't be your fault. my decision my fault after all.

what does it matter? i fill myself with hope. with the wrong kind of hope. oh yeah, i know it's wrong. i don't care. i don't want to care anymore. and who cares anyway?

i'm waiting for 13 november
i can't wait
i'm going to make it foolproof, i hope so anyway.
since i've never done it before.

i'd do it now. but i'm waiting, just for you.

and i can argue with you day in day out.

then how did they know if you didn't tell them since you 'didnt even have to SPEAK to them to get that accomplished.? and wouldn't talking this already be backstabbing? i never asked my mum to find ms lau. or for her to speak to you. that was out of control and i'm sorry that my emotions was out of control.

i meant that you weren't the sole person responsible for getting me into depression. i mean that there were other circumstances that led to it. and how does my depression link to this? everything. because it makes me react the way i do. and i'm sorry if you didn't actually want to talk yesterday, actually tired to avoid any kind of argument by asking you if you could talk. i believe i messaged you saying 'if i talk to you now would i agitate you?'

i don't get your two people. but correct me if i'm wrong. i am alone in this yes? i haven' told a single sole about this even when my mum persistently asked me about it. i didn't even tell fan who unfortunately got wind of it. i haven' told my cousin. and for the record, i haven't told my dog anything. (if that actually matters)

and other people. i guess i can't blame you. but you did tell her and she did piss me off. i'm just saying, to please tell her to go away.

nope, i'm just saying that i find this scenario familiar to what happened the start of this year. and then how everything progresses. and i never dragged anyone's name in the mud thank you.

and my reason for being amused had nothing to do with you.

and as dumb as it is, the quote is from an anime that i used to like. i used it in a post a long time ago. and what do you mean death applies? you mean to say that you'd commit suicide? well, i doubt committing suicide is that rare since i keep on hearing it nowadays. if you mean to find fault within the quote, well, you can find fault in anything seeing as nothing is perfect. it has its meaning, either you take it or you leave it.

-

I NEVER said that i had great faith. in fact i didn't think that i had doubts of me being baptized. but their requirements were for me to know what i'm worshipping. and i prayed hard for someone to stop me if i wasn't right for it. and to me i don't think that damn or freaking is swearing. if you think it is then i'm sorry.

you don't care. (of course i can't hold you to that) but i'd like to know why. you're right. all this while i don't think that i did anything wrong but you make me feel as though i did because (before) you seemed to want to be so rid of me and i didn't know why.

i NEVER wanted to break you. (and yes you'd argue) there is a reason why i had initially said to talk about this after Os. because i didn't want to affect you. but i'm sorry, it's affecting me. i was hoping a simple conversation would help me along. just a simple one. if you were on the road to being pissed i'd have put it off to another day. (but since you say that you're pissed all the time i guess this is not applicable) and no, i didn't know you were pissed till you started swearing at me. (yes i'm sorry, i'm that blind)

and i never used things against you. (you'd argue. i'd say it's a matter of perspective) i brought it up because i thought you would be able to relate or think about it better. (and i'm sure you have a lot to say to this) and i'd never think of you as defenceless.

-

look, the last thing i wanted was to get you so agitated. but having you pisssed made me pissed. and my emotions got the better of me. obviously that's not to make an exception for me. but you know what? you're right, nothing's your fault. and no i'm not being sacarstic. and no, don't rebut, just take it as it is.

i don't know what to do. i don't know what to say. but take a guess at what's on my mind every day.
everytime i try at a decent conversation, things screw up.
and i probably did so at this too.

-

valerie chia

yay you get a reply too. since upon curiosity, i thought you'd have something to say.
ohwell. they did say curiosily killed the cat.

i'm really sorry but i'm lost here. who else did i provoke? yes i'm sorry, i'm that blind. other than cyeo, who i'm sorry for the door. and i thought that i stopped today? or is that still considered slamming?

and i'm sorry about the A maths thing. i really wasn't thinking then. next time do me a favor, go flag an examiner and TELL ME. no seriously, please do. and i'm sorry if you hold me responsible for dropping a pen if my fingers should slip. and no, i wasn't looking for attention. if i wanted attention you'd be surprise what i can do. if i wanted attention, me dropping pens and pressing calculators would be nothing. and no, i'm sorry, i truly did not hear meera. no did i hear her the second time till tricia told me.

if you wanna scream go ahead. i don't know how i'd react. maybe i'd scream back. maybe i'd just walk away. maybe i'd do something else.

and no i'm not blaming caro for everyone's actions. your actions just came because she told you which was her own action.

and thanks. i knew i'm a failure. i knew that for the last 16 years of my life.
but no, i am not trying to be a clone of caro. just that reading her blog so much made me adapt to her way of doing it. though i admit that i think that all my actions and habits are all bits and pieces that i get from people that i interact with. the one person you can accuse me of trying to clone is only my cousin, or was. that's now over. besides. what is originality? pretty much everything's just a copy of another.

and no i'm not trying to threathen caro. besides, i'm trying to threathen her to do what?

well, be honoured. i gave you a reply. i'm sure you wanted one. but look, you don't know me. so of course you'd easily find fault within me. and since you don't know me, you do not know what i've been through. nothing serious of course. but enough things to break me. you weren't there, you won't know and you won't understand. not that you'd bother trying anyway.

Meeting someone is God's doing, but parting is what humans do themselves.
you said you understood, i'm sure you still do. but ohwells. i guess that's just how life goes.

if anyone actually read my post on midnight. you can scrap that.

"is it possible to feel pissed and then amused at the same time?"
"er."
"at the same thing?"
"i suppose so, i suppose you're feeling it now?"
"yeah."
"happy face!"
*smiles*

really, your kind makes me so pissed and amused. at the bloody same time. and that is amusing in itself, for two contradicting things to be able to function on the same wavelength. i was so amused with the scenario in my head that i couldnt stop laughing and smiling after A maths, i was laughing so much that my shoulders shook. HAH!

you know, you can tell all your friends, all the people that we know, tell the whole class or the whole school or the whole damn world. i don't care. you can ruin my non-existent reputation. you can drag my name in mud by your raging emotions and words. you can turn everyone on me. i don't give a freaking damn. i don't know why i bothered to stay calm yesterday, why i didn't allow myself to go on the defensive at all. i tried. you didn't. so screw it. and you know what? that's one thing that i believe you've had, people to back you up, and most times i don't.

i remember you saying that you hated backstabbing? well, i was never sure what backstabbing was so i checked. well, aren't you doing it now? no, i'm not speaking in spite or anger. i'm not even pissed now, i'm just AMUSED. you hate lectures i'm sure but consider your actions. if you think that you were left upset, you should have seen me. exams couldn't unravel me. my parent's disappointment couldn't. you and your reactions could. no, i'm not putting you as the sole person responsible. but if you think you're the only the that was affected think again.

"i think the door's going to break soon."
if it wasn't already damn screwed up already.

you know, you should tell your darling friend to stop trying to provoke me. she did it twice already today. i dont' care about her. i might end up screaming at her if she doesn't stop. i don't know if she thinks that she's helping you vent your anger on me or what but i dont' care about her, if i'm pissed enough, i'd scream at her without second thoughts.

you can justify yourself again and again. well, i don't care. you remind me of how you described _.
-

that's that. i'm sick of this.

i don't feel like doing anything. i don't want be anywhere.

i want to disappear.

you make me pissed and sad at the same time.
how on earth's that possible?

i saw mr yeo before the geog paper.
scrap that. mr yeo saw me before the paper. he came forward and asked how the paper was. i just smiled and then he said something and something and something. then i said i'm sorry.
"why're you saying sorry?"

because i just couldn't do it.

then i think he saw that i was uncomfortable, yeah well, i nearly cried again. so he moved on. to other people.

i'm hopeless.
i'm going to hate tomorrow.

my mouse/ cursor thing just disappeared on me. ohwells.

well i tried and found my head blank and blinking out on me. after the paper i see mr yeo walking out of school, i couldn't look at him in the face. i didn't even dare to let him notice me. when he turns at the traffic light i keep on walking and i keep on walking till i reach the bus stop at maple woods.

seeing him i just wanted to cry. but even if i did, all i can ever mumble out is i'm sorry.
and that's all i seem to keep on saying
before that he was even so encouraging that i even felt reassurred. he seemed so convinced that i could really do it.

i tried. and when i told my dad, all he could do was sigh. that same sigh that i detest so much.
i'm sorry i'm not like what you'd like me to be. i'm sorry smartness isn't passed down in genes.

i tell my mum. "i did badly for it."
"that's to be expected." in her most nonchalent tone.

and then when i try to run. run on the energy that my frustration used to provide me, i find that i'm out. dried out. worn out. runned down.

like always. i disappoint.
i'm sorry.

you don't need to know.
but i wish you did.

i don't feel like trying anything. during the whole of today, i had to constantly make myself stop thinking about it. i had to pretend i didn't care and put on a face of nothingness. i keep on trying. but it's too distracting. it affects me too much. still.

this is dumb. there's too much regrets and pain and confusion and it's too much of a mess.

i am tired. tired of crying tears that aren't there. tired of trying not to care. tired of how things spiral out of my hands and control. tired that it's like this. i am tired.

like you used to.
I DON"T KNOW.
i just don't know.

i want to fly. and forget. i want to get away.

what am i supposed to do?
and that question will be met with no answer.

i wonder if anyone actually knows to what extent do i fear being alone.

i walked into the exam hall
and
told myself that i wouldn't
show
fear.

one thing
will lead to another

if i show what i feel
i will
break
down

and if i fall apart
i will fall
alone

if i break
i have absolutely
no hope
of help

if i fall
i will fall

so i play non-chalance
tell myself
i don't care

but
i know otherwise

i dreamed of failing

and i couldn't stop crying

denial
i know
works well

no, i'm not being optimistic. i am scared, and it's finally about the right things.


i suck at words so i guess a picture to make up for what i'm unable to say.
good luck guys.

and i think my dog's damn adorable btw.

i don't know what to say to myself.

Happy Birthday Caro

i am like a building
one that's held by ropes from all sides
anchored so i won't be falling

i am useless
too unstable to face any tests
i'm left standing
standing to wait for rotting

there, all i remember of them now
is the forced smiles for me they'd crowd
after awhile, i give up

only my dog gives me what's real
he reflects my moods
and smiles at me if i could

i like running out with him each day
then coming back tired but i can see him smile
it makes it all worth while
but it's too bad
i can't love him as i would have had

i am too unstable
the pills keep me afloat
but it only numbs,
perhaps dulling the electrical impulses from the brain
i'm barely able to really cope

let it end.

-

well. that was needless to say since it was really just obvious. i don't know if you care about me. hell yes i do. i haven't seen you but if it still comes up, we can try talking again. if you don't care then i guess that won't come up. concentrate on Os. i have a lot to say in defence but it's not affecting me that much since i don't care about Os. at least i don't think i do. take care.

We bullet the words at the mockingbirds, singing
Slept through the weekend
And dreaming , of sinking with the melody of the cliffs of eternity
Got postcards from my former selves saying; "How've you been?"

kiss me and tell me everything's alright.
but there's no guarantee that i'd believe you as much as i'd like to.

how many a days can i wish for another
that i can just look at skies passing slowly by
and let myself be a simple dreamer
live in peace till i can finally die

listening to just the beginning of christian songs
i'm reminded or guilted into remembering
that staying pissed is just wrong
i'm tired of trying to find that something that's missing

i'm tired of forced optimism
to be whisked away is my simple wishin'
to a place of everything perfect
when i can stop thinking and be glad

i'm tired. i'm glad i got through today without being sad or pissed. i don't want to be sad or pissed. and saying such simple things made me irritated. i bought leanne the erasable pen. she liked it a lot :D and that makes ME happy! haha

if its me
for the record, i don't hate you. but the world pisses me off anyway. and if you can think of it my way: i'm left alone with no one i can trust or feel comfortable with. and it's because of something i couldn't control. well, anyone can argue that i'm not alone but that's how i feel when i think about things. and yes, i'd be there. but you obviously don't need me anyway, and i strongly dislike feeling extraded.

and i guess i'm started to feel a little anxiety for Os. i'd probably get it in intensified proportions by the time it arrives.

Vexed
Intensities
Vacated
In
A
Nanosecond

nowadays i either become pissed or depressed halfway through the day. and i start off each morning indirectly telling myself 'today's a new day. it'll be different so be HAPPY!" i'm being optimistic. i'm being optimistic just to be able to get through each day. on sunday i was trying to keep my good mood so that i'd be able to type those messages. i pressed on, smiling the stupid day away. i was tired but i guess i was able to get through. but for the last two days the trying to be optimistic isn't working. in fact i'm disgusted by it, coming home today i was asking myself why the hell do i have to try so hard to be optimistic? why am i forced into a situation where i'm forced to be so OOC-ish? on monday i told someone, actually i told a few someones "i'm being too optimistic." and they all answer non-chalently. and you know what? fine, dont' care. just don't care. i'm so disgusted that i have to try so hard being so bloody out of character just to get through the day and i'm lucky if i'm even able to get any work done.

then again, I DON"T CARE ABOUT O LEVELS. no seriously i don't. i only care about the marks, other then that i don't care.

i'm sick and tired of this. i feel so suffocated. and you're right being pissed is better. and hell yeah, if i'm pissed i'm going to stay pissed. the world pisses me off anyway. and it doesn't seem to be able to stop.

screw this.

you asked if this was fair to you. then what about me? is this fair to me?
and yeah, i'm being selfish. but then, so are you. and it's the only way we survive.
yayness ain't it?

russell's the only right thing now. it's not his presence though. not like how i imagined it when i was young. it's just him being there and giving me something to do when i need to work it all off.

i used half a foolscap paper trying to convince myself that i have control. it works for about an hour then i realise that i don't. i only seem to have control now, but this control is granted to me. it isn't earned, it isn't really mine. and i know that if i didn't have this control, i'd be crying my eyes shitless. i'd be unable to stop. and that's the end of it.

i'm being too positive. everyday i'll tell myself that i can do it. that i shouldn't take prelims into account because shit happened. and hell yeah, it did. but prelims was the last thing i could judge myself with. i know what i want. i've stopped myself from thinking of the real possibilities of whether or not i can do it.

"...don't let your A1 for bio slip away."
"you think i can get A1 for bio?"
"yes i do."

i feel amazed. and i guess i feel it, the pressure or whatever you'd call it. i dont' know what to say. parents tell me to just do my best, i know better. there's a certain standard but they can't say anything else without being afriad that it'll set me off.

everything feels more and more out of place in a place that's familiar. in a place that i've stayed in for a whole decade. school, home. familiar but it's made unfamiliar by circumstances. someone should just knock my world totally off it's axis so if everything's off together, then everything's fine because everything is then aligned.

and now's the time to call for adaptation. adaptation is to not care and walk away. i've never had a problem with that before. you're adapting well. but you had help. then again, so did i. just not the most effective ones. so i'm being selfish. but that's what the past few months have thought me. when no one's going to help you, when everyone's busy with everyone else you'll have to resort to being selfish to survive. and what does it matter to everyone else? since they don't care, it doesn't affect them. and besides, it's the only way to survive. i don't care if it's a crappy moronic what to live, yeah i know that. but it doesn't seem as if i've been given a choice now do i? it's either i adapt and start thinking more for myself or i screw myself all over again. and hell no, i'm not going to let myself screw. you might be worth it to me but i'm too tired to have to see myself fall and have to go through the whole tired process of picking myself up again. it's vexing. it's bloody annoying.

i choose not to care. and no i'm not going to regret it. and i'm going to push in this direction till you can let me believe that i won't regret if i care. and i highly doubt that's going to happen so OHWELLS.

screw this.

i give up.
but i might go back on that as soon as tomorrow. i'm hopeless.